december 22nd

this picture is of lilo after i gave her her medicine...she's really drugged. but she's doing better!

this date has a deep emotional meaning to me and i try not to let it get to me because i don't want others to make a big deal out of it. 

my dad stopped at my house before i went to work to say hi because he was in town, (something about dropping a tire off at the iron shop) and he started my durango for me! that made my dreaded day start off great. and i ate a sugar cookie on my way to work, no oatmeal today.

i get to work and i finally beat mel there...only to find out i was going to be there all morning by my lonesome. she had to take her son to his dentist appt. 

i took a late lunch and went to fajen lumber in elk horn because they had a sign that said "50% OFF Christmas Items" and i went and browsed around their gift shop only to be disappointed. when someone puts a sign out that says something is on sale, it should mean what it says damn it. not that i need more snowflake and snowmen decorations, that's not the point! everywhere in the store were signs saying, this is not on sale, blah, blah, blah. if they want to get ride of it before christmas, the smart thing to do is have it all on sale so you don't take such a big loss when christmas is over. duh. i did however buy a snowman ornament that was on sale and a gift bag that was not on sale. i would have bought more, but you get the drift.

when i went back to the office after my lunch break...mel was there! she is the funnest boss ever. i love her taste in music and she cracks me up, she listens to the british version of american idol on youtube and they really do have talent there. it's not just to get people to watch the horrible ones like americans version. usually ever week i do a "looking back" section in the paper. i hated doing this at first, but now i look forward to it. there's something about reading a 1928 newspaper and reading the events and community information that was happening. it gives you a sense of nostalgia. i finished up work and left for the day.

sometimes i stop by my parents house to say hi to them and the kids, but this week i decided against it since everyone has the flu. i don't need it. i'm usually sick for the holidays and i'm trying really hard not to get sick this year and taking my vitamins.

we i got home i started in on my list: make dinner; vacuum, laundry, wrap presents and make more reindeer food(it's a snack mix that matt it obsessed with).

matt wanted to celebrate me being alive and him not going completely crazy for three years and we decide to make one of his favorite meals... homemade salsa and taco bake. he agreed to help me a little. we enjoyed our dinner in the living room for a change and watched this show on the speed channel where you guess how many seconds it takes a car to get to the finish line. i suck at guessing and matt is usually pretty close to the time. there are a few "guy" shows that i watch but i usually ask to many questions and he gets irritated. 

after dinner i got started wrapping gifts. i don't want matt to help me with this job...ever! i have OCD and it brings it to the max when i wrapping stuff. he's not a good wrapper. although he did help me get the supplies and gifts organized. he wanted to wrap one and he chose his brother dan's. let's just say it isn't pretty...but it's done. i finished around 11 p.m. to realize i only got 2 things crossed off my list. bummer...but i'm thrilled i got everything wrapped and organized. 

i decided to take a shower and be done for the night, except when i was in bed i just started sobbing so heavily i got out of bed quick so matt wouldn't notice. i had so many emotions come over me when he mentioned it'd been an long three years and... i just couldn't take it, so many thoughts went rushing through me i didn't even see that coming. whoosh. as i sit here and type this i'm crying. i've been through so much in the past three years from recovering physically, emotionally and spiritually. i think the emotional recover has been the hardest. i really am not the same person i was. and at such young age that's hard to adjust into. sure i want to go to the bar and get shit faced and go to clubs and be a social butterfly...but the truth is...i can't. well, i could...but that would be suicide. not everyone may understand that my brain injury is in a location that alcohol would have a deadly effect on me. sure i can taste a drink, but that's it. my relationship's with family members are not the same, my marriage is not the same, my friendships are not the same all because i'm not the same. this obviously has been easier for some people that others. maybe that's why certain people don't talk to me any more... maybe they don't like the person i am now. i miss the old me, but i'm starting to get used to the new me and liking what i see. i'm not wanting a pity party, i just wish somethings were different in my life. after all, doesn't everyone? for those friends and family members that have stayed by my side and haven't treated me any different, i can't thank them enough. that's what i need(ed). that's love. true love.

more tomorrow...